Scoreline: Balzan Youths 1 v 2 Maleth Albion
Maleth Albion turned up to this game with the kind of overconfidence you’d expect from someone ordering a 3am kebab after six pints—full of expectations and completely oblivious to the consequences. Top of the league and clearly expecting an easy win, they brought along just enough arrogance to guarantee a messy morning. But hey, what’s football without a bit of chaos?

Maleth rolled out with a three-at-the-back formation—a move so bold it could’ve been a dare. The idea was to press high, keep Balzan on the back foot, and, presumably, terrify everyone in the stands. Shock number two came in the form of Tom Atko, who turned up looking like an Aussie backpacker in the midst of an identity crisis and a moustache straight out of a ‘70s porn film.

From the first whistle, the game had all the excitement of a damp sponge. Passes were going astray, players forgot their positions, and Maleth’s plan to press high turned into a comedy of misplaced long balls. Balzan, meanwhile, were clearly playing for a draw, happily sitting back and killing time, which only wound Maleth up more.

Then, the inevitable happened. Balzan sent a hopeful long ball upfield, and Captain Clibbo—despite being gifted three perfectly clear instructions from his teammates (“man on,” “time,” and “pass back”)—opted for option four: a backward header straight into the path of their striker. The ball was played to their winger, who slid it past Poppadom Legs MVB. One-nil to the Youths. Cue groans, disbelief, and a few existential crises on the Maleth bench.

That goal seemed to wake Maleth up a little. The self-proclaimed step-over king, Oli, started making runs down the wing, though nothing came of it. Keenan and Pier tried to work the ball into decent positions, but the Youths’ defence stood firm. Then came the most bizarre moment of the half: the disallowed wondergoal.

The Youths’ keeper had the ball and went to clear it, only for Luigi—yes, that Luigi—to stick out a leg, intercept, and execute what can only be described as a majestic bicycle kick into the net. Cue pandemonium. The celebration—a triple backflip—was cut short by the linesman’s flag, raised so high it probably touched a passing plane. After a brief chat between referee and linesman (during which no one, including the ref, seemed to know what was happening), the goal was disallowed. Why? We’ll never know. The Maleth bench responded with a heartfelt serenade of words beginning with “F” and “C.” Such charm.

Halftime came with no changes. The message was clear: the same eleven players who got us into this mess could damn well get us out of it. And they did.

The second half saw Maleth finally start to play some football. Caoltan, making his first appearance for the club on dual registration (from Edex—whoever they are), took control in midfield, linking defence and attack with calm authority. It didn’t take long for the equalizer to come. Keenan, channeling his inner frat-boy confidence, spun his defender like a bottle at a party and slipped a perfectly weighted pass to Pier. The Italian magician made no mistake, sliding the ball past the keeper to level the score at 1-1.

With momentum firmly on their side, Maleth dominated the rest of the game. Substitutes came on to freshen things up, with the Englishmen, Simmo adding bite in midfield and Owen Agius making an instant impact. Owen’s first involvement was pure class: a deft touch to beat his man, a clever cut inside, and a beautifully threaded pass to Pier. This time, Pier went full artist mode, curling the ball into the far corner with his weaker foot. He celebrated by running to the manager (the ever-handsome me), for a quick hug and a morale-boosting tap on the backside. Pure poetry.

As the game wound down, Maleth decided to lock things up defensively, switching to a back four that looked about as impenetrable as a medieval fortress. Balzan huffed and puffed, but they were never getting through. When the final whistle blew, there was a collective sigh of relief.

It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly wasn’t Maleth’s best performance, but three points are three points. The sweat was wiped off foreheads, and the focus shifted to the next match on December 7th. Here’s hoping we leave the long balls, backward headers, and questionable moustaches at home for that one.