Scoreline: Balzan Youths 1 v 2 Maleth Albion
Maleth Albion turned up to this game with the kind of overconfidence you’d expect from someone ordering a 3am kebab after six pints—full of expectations and completely oblivious to the consequences. Top of the league and clearly expecting an easy win, they brought along just enough arrogance to guarantee a messy morning. But hey, what’s football without a bit of chaos?

Maleth rolled out with a three-at-the-back formation—a move so bold it could’ve been a dare. The idea was to press high, keep Balzan on the back foot, and, presumably, terrify everyone in the stands. Shock number two came in the form of Tom Atko, who turned up looking like an Aussie backpacker in the midst of an identity crisis and a moustache straight out of a ‘70s porn film.

From the first whistle, the game had all the excitement of a damp sponge. Passes were going astray, players forgot their positions, and Maleth’s plan to press high turned into a comedy of misplaced long balls. Balzan, meanwhile, were clearly playing for a draw, happily sitting back and killing time, which only wound Maleth up more.

Then, the inevitable happened. Balzan sent a hopeful long ball upfield, and Captain Clibbo—despite being gifted three perfectly clear instructions from his teammates (“man on,” “time,” and “pass back”)—opted for option four: a backward header straight into the path of their striker. The ball was played to their winger, who slid it past Poppadom Legs MVB. One-nil to the Youths. Cue groans, disbelief, and a few existential crises on the Maleth bench.

That goal seemed to wake Maleth up a little. The self-proclaimed step-over king, Oli, started making runs down the wing, though nothing came of it. Keenan and Pier tried to work the ball into decent positions, but the Youths’ defence stood firm. Then came the most bizarre moment of the half: the disallowed wondergoal.

The Youths’ keeper had the ball and went to clear it, only for Luigi—yes, that Luigi—to stick out a leg, intercept, and execute what can only be described as a majestic bicycle kick into the net. Cue pandemonium. The celebration—a triple backflip—was cut short by the linesman’s flag, raised so high it probably touched a passing plane. After a brief chat between referee and linesman (during which no one, including the ref, seemed to know what was happening), the goal was disallowed. Why? We’ll never know. The Maleth bench responded with a heartfelt serenade of words beginning with “F” and “C.” Such charm.

Halftime came with no changes. The message was clear: the same eleven players who got us into this mess could damn well get us out of it. And they did.

The second half saw Maleth finally start to play some football. Caoltan, making his first appearance for the club on dual registration (from Edex—whoever they are), took control in midfield, linking defence and attack with calm authority. It didn’t take long for the equalizer to come. Keenan, channeling his inner frat-boy confidence, spun his defender like a bottle at a party and slipped a perfectly weighted pass to Pier. The Italian magician made no mistake, sliding the ball past the keeper to level the score at 1-1.

With momentum firmly on their side, Maleth dominated the rest of the game. Substitutes came on to freshen things up, with the Englishmen, Simmo adding bite in midfield and Owen Agius making an instant impact. Owen’s first involvement was pure class: a deft touch to beat his man, a clever cut inside, and a beautifully threaded pass to Pier. This time, Pier went full artist mode, curling the ball into the far corner with his weaker foot. He celebrated by running to the manager (the ever-handsome me), for a quick hug and a morale-boosting tap on the backside. Pure poetry.

As the game wound down, Maleth decided to lock things up defensively, switching to a back four that looked about as impenetrable as a medieval fortress. Balzan huffed and puffed, but they were never getting through. When the final whistle blew, there was a collective sigh of relief.

It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly wasn’t Maleth’s best performance, but three points are three points. The sweat was wiped off foreheads, and the focus shifted to the next match on December 7th. Here’s hoping we leave the long balls, backward headers, and questionable moustaches at home for that one.

Scoreline: Maleth Albion 1-3 Ghaxaq Stars
Venue: Under the Wednesday Night Floodlights
Attendance: Our barber, his missus, and some guy Tommy met while spotting him at the gym.

The Build-Up
Fresh off a big win against Luqa, Maleth Albion found themselves under the floodlights, squaring up against the preseason favorites, Ghaxaq Stars. The Stars, a team rumored to feature ex-pros including one player who once had the unenviable task of marking Messi, arrived on the back of an embarrassing loss. The pre-match gossip, courtesy of our resident mole, MVB, revealed that most of their “paid professionals” (oops, unpaid enthusiasts) were mysteriously absent. Classic.

Maleth, however, kept things steady, making just a few changes. Big Irish Mark the Plumber returned to the fold at center-back after some time away, while the ever-deluded manager Sean Byrne dusted off the gloves to start in goal, testing his knee post-ACL surgery. And yes, he looked fantastic as always.

The First Half: A Canadian Eagle Soars and a Messi Marker’s Revenge
Maleth started nervously, as midfield maestro Ethan pulled up early with an Achilles issue. A swift reshuffle saw Luigi—Italy’s finest export since tiramisu—join the fray for his first start since the season opener. Ghaxaq Stars dominated possession, but Maleth’s defense stood resolute, marshaled by the imposing Irish Mark and a well-moisturized Sean Byrne.

Against the run of play, Maleth struck gold 20 minutes in. Slim Shady Samu threaded a perfectly weighted through ball to the Canadian Eagle, Keenan, who soared past the Stars’ keeper with frat-house precision. The celebrations were straight out of Alpha Delta Pi folklore.

Alas, joy was short-lived. A hopeful cross into the box saw the man who once marked Messi sneak a toe past Captain Clibbo and guide the ball into the net. Byrne, ever the vision of good looks, could only shrug gracefully. 1-1 at the break.

The Second Half: The Man Who Once Marked Messi Strikes Again (and Again)
The second half began as the first ended, with the Stars on the front foot and Maleth’s defense under siege. Irish Mark the Plumber and left-back Oli were defying the odds, but Byrne’s modeling career was about to face another cruel twist. A free-kick on the edge of the box floated deliciously into the danger zone, and who else but the Messi-marker rose highest to head it home. Byrne, in a scene that could grace any magazine cover, stood helpless.

The third goal had a touch of comedy, as an unlucky slip at the back saw Andy Murray lookalike Tom Atko attempt a header, only for gravity and his 5’2” frame to betray him. The Messi-marker, clearly playing like he had a point to prove, generously squared the ball to their man on £100-a-match—an outrageous sum for amateur football—to tap into an empty net. Byrne, magnificent as always, could only shake his head in disbelief.

The Final Whistle
Maleth thought they’d found a lifeline late on, as Keenan bundled the ball home only for the referee to call it back for a foul. The team trudged off 3-1 losers, but spirits remained high. With Balzan Youths up next, there’s no time for dwelling.

Well, where to start? This weekend’s match between Maleth Albion and Fgura Liedna was one for the books – if only for the sheer comedy. Fgura strolled in with a grand total of 10 men to start, and naturally, we all got excited. Things kicked off well enough, with our Italian maestro Pier picking Fgura’s pocket and feeding Keenan, who shockingly kept it low for once, tucking it past the keeper. 1-0. Could it get any better?

Cue Clibbo, our captain and part-time sleeper agent, who handed Fgura an equalizer by sending an “intended” pass back to keeper Matt. Matt’s poppadom legs stood no chance as Fgura tapped it in to level things up. Then, just as we thought we might have a numbers advantage, Fgura’s backup arrived fashionably late – six gym-buffed players, all ready to make our lives difficult. But no matter! We stuck to the game plan, lobbing balls over the top, and wouldn’t you know it, it actually worked.

Our defence was on point throughout. Tommy, whose ego swelled after being called “Maldini” by the linesman (his words), put in a heroic shift. James cleared header after header, and Taylor—cigarette lungs and all—held up admirably for his season debut. And let’s give Clibbo credit—despite the mishap, he locked things down for the rest of the game.

The midfield trio of Ethan, Nelson, and Dillon put on a show too, pinging around some genuinely “sexy” tiki-taka and launching balls over the top with finesse. Dillon had to go off injured just before half-time with a gruesome eye injury, even as Fgura’s players protested, insisting it was nothing—even as blood poured from Dillon’s eye.

Keenan was on fire, somehow finding himself in the right spot over and over again, bagging a ridiculous five goals – and each one looking suspiciously like the last. At one point, Pier tore down the wing, whipped it back to the Canadian, and boom! Another Keenan goal, just for good measure. Ethan, our new signing, deserves a mention for delivering a free-kick cross that practically screamed, “Keenan, just tap this one in.”

Oh, and let’s not forget Samu, our other new face, who danced past a few defenders and slotted one home at the near post, leaving Fgura’s keeper looking around for answers.

Despite the laughs, we honestly could have bagged ten more goals if it weren’t for a few characters in our squad. Tom, bless him, couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat, while Keenan started feeling generous and passing instead of shooting. And Owen? Let’s just say he took a swing with his left foot. We’ll leave it at that.

In the end, Maleth dominated, secured a massive first win, and we’re sitting pretty at the top of the league thanks to our stellar goal difference. A week off before we face a real test against the Stars.

Well, what a rollercoaster of emotions that was! Maleth Albion kicked off their season with a 2-2 draw against Paceville Black Bulls FC, and let’s just say, it was an afternoon filled with goals, drama, and a few moments that left Coach Byrne questioning reality.

Maleth Albion lined up in a solid 4-1-4-1 formation, with Luigi making his debut, and it couldn’t have started better. From the first whistle, Paceville Black Bulls won the kickoff, passed it back to their goalkeeper, who clearly wasn’t ready for Maleth’s high press. In a moment of pure comedy, he tried to hoof it long, only for the ball to cannon off Luigi (legitimately, not the arm, VAR would confirm) and straight into the net. 20 seconds in. 1-0. Welcome to the team, Luigi!

But after that dream start, the Black Bulls got comfortable on the ball, and Maleth Albion’s players seemed to forget how to press properly. It was like they’d swapped their football boots for slippers. A quick tactical tweak from Coach Byrne was needed, switching to some good ol’ route-one football, and it did the trick. Sure, the Black Bulls had some chances, but Maleth were still causing chaos up front, especially from Tommy’s long throws that should come with a health warning. Luigi nearly made it 2-0 with a thunderous volley off one of these missiles, but their defender somehow blocked it on the line.
Then came another golden chance – this time Luigi controlled Tommy’s throw, spun like a seasoned ballerina, and smashed a shot that the keeper tipped onto the post, and the ball agonizingly rolled across the line. So close, but not close enough.
Despite the pressure from Black Bulls, Maleth remained a threat on the counter, with Keenan having a couple of shots that nearly took out low-flying aircraft. But just before halftime, Maleth doubled their lead. A free kick from Tom Atko floated beautifully into the box, and Keenan, using that big Canadian head of his, rose highest and buried a header into the bottom corner. 2-0. Lovely stuff.

Things nearly got shaky just before halftime when Black Bulls hit the crossbar (which definitely didn’t cross the line – or so the Maleth bench insists), but Maleth survived, and they headed into the break with a 2-0 lead.
The Byrne Halftime Special – an inspirational team talk so influential that Simmo looked completely stunned. So stunned, in fact, that when the second half started, and the ball was played back to him, he forgot what football was altogether. The Black Bulls striker pinched the ball off him and slotted it into the net. 2-1. Cheers, Simmo.

The rest of the second half… well, it wasn’t a pretty watch. Think of it like this: they pass, Maleth defend for their lives. Repeat. Coach Byrne decided not to mess with the shape too much, and the team held on, determined to see the game out.
With about 20 minutes to go, Byrne brought Istvan on for Luigi, hoping for a spark. And just like that, two minutes later, a Tommy throw (aka the rocket launcher) flicked off Simmo’s head and fell perfectly to Istvan, who smashed it into the roof of the net. Istvan was already gearing up for his trademark triple backflip celebration when everyone noticed the linesman’s flag. Offside! It was a controversial decision, to say the least, and there’s still debate over whether it was actually offside or if the linesman was just a bit salty after Amaury called him “shit” five minutes earlier. A mystery for the ages.

Maleth fought hard to hold on, but the inevitable happened. Another mix-up at the back involving Luke left him in three minds, and much like Simmo earlier, he chose to do… nothing. Their striker ran through, slotted it home, and boom – 2-2.
Not the ending Maleth Albion wanted, but the ref soon blew the whistle for full time, and that was that. A chaotic game filled with ups, downs, and plenty of head-scratching moments. Still, the lads showed plenty of spirit. It’s only the first game of the season – there’s a lot to build on. Onwards and upwards!